I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
When did angry sex become our thing?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
