It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
she looked like the before picture.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Randomize
