Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize