atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
