I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize