have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
