ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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