Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
