I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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