I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Randomize