Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
