when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She told me I should be a condom model.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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