my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i came on her dog
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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