my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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