in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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