if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize