Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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