she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
