When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
