Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
