I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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