im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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