Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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