so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
The ass gains better be worth it
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