went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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