I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize