I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
