what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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