I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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