drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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