You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
