The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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