Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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