Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
