So drunk its hurt
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's blow job season.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
