i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
