If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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