i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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