We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
