Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
