sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
