apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
