I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
