Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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