my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
