i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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