Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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