he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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