You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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