i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
