Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
