i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
