if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
