i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
