K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
