I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
