I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
