I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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