she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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