Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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