tell your sister to shave her snatch
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize