i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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