I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
