Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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