The maid of honor just puked.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
