At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
