My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize