Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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