i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
