she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
